Suffering leads to growth. So embrace it!

For Rhian Mannings, a double blow of the death of a one-year-old child and the suicide of her husband threw her into a state of trauma. When a police officer told her of her husband's death..."my whole body went. I wet myself, I started dribbling and being sick down myself. It went on for days and days, and I couldn’t lift my head off my chest.”

Nine years later she says: “I went through all this trauma. I was knocked off my feet to a place that I never want to experience again. I went right downhill, but then I came back up. I know it’s made me a different person, a better person.”

In that time Mannings developed from a life as ordinary wife, mother and physical education teacher in Wales to be the leader of a charity that supports families who lose young ones, and she has been recognised with the national MBE honour, and last year, the Pride of Britain award for her service to the community.

Mannings could be regarded as a case study for the body of research that shows suffering, even to the extent of trauma, as a result of, to offer some examples, unemployment, bereavement, a car accident or a natural disaster, often leads to personal growth. This post-traumatic growth means “the positive changes that occur in the aftermath of a trauma as a result of the process of a struggle with these traumatic events”. 

Richard Tedeschi, distinguished chair of the Boulder Crest Institute for Post-Traumatic Growth, lists five areas of growth that people speak of in the aftermath of their suffering: increased personal strength; increased connection with and compassion towards others; greater appreciation and gratitude for their life, especially the small things; they might find a new mission in life; and they undergo an existential change, engaging with questions about the purpose, meaning and value of their life. Studies suggest that 58-83% of trauma survivors report a positive change in at least one area.

Tedeschi explains:

 “Post-traumatic growth is not happiness. It often coexists with distress.” It is an experience of loss and mourning so profoundly painful that it changes you for ever. “It’s hard-won wisdom. It’s knowing things viscerally or in your bones. It’s easy to say: ‘Appreciate life!’ or ‘Treat other people well!’, but doing that in the aftermath of a transformative trauma is a different way of understanding. It’s living it, having it in your gut.”

It's interesting the prominence given to a person's core belief systems in predicting a positive outcome when dealing with trauma. This is brought out in this excerpt from the source report:

 Tedeschi’s definition of trauma is interesting. “We don’t define it in terms of a list of traumatic events,” he says. “Instead, we define it in terms of the impact of events on the core belief system that people have.” Most of us probably aren’t aware this core belief system exists, until it shatters, as Mannings' did.

Those with a well-formed core belief system often have a resilience "where people bounce back from adversity, and go back to how things were before." But we have also to recognise that people are sometimes in circumstances that batter them down to a state it's hard to recover from. So the community has to be ready to respond, and that is what Rhian Mannings and her charity do.

Developing a mindset that can prepare a person for suffering large and small is a big area of Buddhist teaching, but here is a preferred selection from the inspired word of God (English Standard Version):

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18 

The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts. Proverbs 17:3 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 

Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Romans 5:3-4

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 1 Peter 4:12 

Therefore, in this treasury of Christian insight - signifying a powerful belief system that invokes a relationship with our Creator - there is the understanding that suffering is part and parcel of life. That idea encourages discipline, respect for others as we're all in this together, and strength of character. 

Moreover, these quotations emphasise that suffering is a valuable part of life because of the reassurance that we are not alone in our misery, because of the attributes it develops in us, and because it motivates us to surmount the inclination to avoid suffering and to press on in serving the greater good of those around us. 

To take up one theme of this blog, parents have a great opportunity in this area, They should further their children's social and psychological maturing by modeling a spiritual dimension in the handling of their own tribulations in this "vale of tears". 

At the other end of this earthly season, old people should rejoice in the difficulties of their life, the usual aches and pains, even serious disease and loss of capacity to cope independently. It's a matter of regarding life still as an opportunity to grow and not give up like cowards before the journey ends. The best advice from the trauma specialists is to enjoy the little things that can lessen the torment of the road. 

For us all, this saying may have some value:

Pain is the door through which God enters the heart. It is the bonfire to purify the soul.

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