Peterson on parenting, especially for men

The rough and tumble play that fathers generally enjoy helps children develop confidence

At one of clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson's Q&A sessions at Cambridge University during his extended visit at the end of last month, a man asked, “What's your one most important advice to someone who's going to be a parent soon?” Interestingly, the audience applauded by way of congratulating the questioner.

Peterson took his time in answering this final question of the session. This is what he said:

The first thing I would say is that you have the opportunity in front of you to have the best relationship with anybody you've ever had in your life. If you do that right, that's what you can have.

You have to kind of scour yourself for resentments. That's the first thing. A little [personal] house cleaning is in order.

You want to decide if … you want to compete with your kid, if you want to quell his ambition or her ambition when it manifests itself in a positive way because you're jealous about that purity. You can certainly do that.

You just wait around till your child does something delightful and good, and toss a little punishment in there and that'll bring that to the end very, very quickly. You know you can make a dog starve to death by hitting it on the nose with the newspaper when it approaches its food dish.

It doesn't take much. You have to do that 20 times and the dog will starve to death. So there's some advice if you want to make your life miserable.

So I would say you want to decide if you want the best relationship you ever had in your life, and if you do then the next thing I would say is cooperate with your wife and negotiate.

A baby's a lot of responsibility and you’ve got to talk over with your wife who does what and when and why, and it's hard to make peace in the household like that, especially in an age where the gender war rages.

[Third,] don't let your children do anything that makes you dislike them because if you dislike them, you can bloody well be sure other people will, too. You can guide them, you know, and part of that’s [the parental] love that sort of encompasses everything.

Some of love is the discriminating encouragement that fosters further growth, and you want a balance of that in your household, and then you can have love and joy and play, and that's a little walled garden. That's paradise where people play forever happily.

So, aim high, tell the truth, negotiate with your wife, shed your resentment, and love and encourage your children.

[Applause]

Resentment is a curious emotion or state of mind for the clinical psychologist to draw into a discussion of the parent-child relationship. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the verb as “to be angry or upset about (someone or something that you think is unfair)” with examples: “She resented being told what to do; He resented his boss for making him work late.”

However, the importance Peterson gives to ridding oneself as a parent of that mindset is telling as to its prominence as a cause of mental distress in any target of that feeling. Wordsworth’s “The child is father of the man” explains how a resented child will likely grow into a disturbed adult.  Peterson urges parents to “scour” themselves of any element of resentment. That indicates how thorough the personal eradication must be.

Of course, there are plenty of reasons for a parent to resent a child; the parent loses their independence, time, money, opportunities to enjoy simple pleasures. The child disrupts habits and lifestyle. Using Peterson's template, the challenge is in rising above the personal “affronts” and enlarging one’s mind and heart in order to be able to instead encourage the child, putting the child first.

“Play”is another word that stands out from Peterson’s short address where he delivered what would be key findings from his contact with the mentally distressed. He said that parents, though perhaps speaking to the father who asked the question, who play with their children are the ones who live in “paradise … forever happily”.

The accuracy of his view of the importance of play is sustained by empirical evidence that is worth surveying. To quote from an analysis of such evidence:

[S]ome parents, at times overworked and anxious about other things, fail to appreciate the value of playful interaction with their children. They mistakenly treat play with their little ones as a waste of time or luxury they can’t afford. Research shows parental play with children is critical to their development. Studies looking at play styles highlight how the active engagement of fathers in physical play leads to children being better adjusted as adults [Brizendine, Dr L., The Male Brain, 2010, pp. 88-89].

Meanwhile, the visual and verbal play mothers tend to engage in influences the cognitive development upon which literacy and numeracy depend [Del Bono, E. et al., Early Maternal Time Investment and Early Child Outcomes, Institute for the Study of Labor Discussion Paper, October 2014, p. 24].

The father’s role gets particular attention in the analysis:  

The rough and tumble play that fathers generally enjoy helps children develop confidence and self-control. Steve Biddulph is a psychologist who has spent many years focusing on the distinctive educational needs of boys. He notes that particularly for a son, wrestling with dad teaches him how to use his strength without going too far. If things get out of hand, the game normally stops. If it resumes when he regains his composure, and that process is repeated, a vital life lesson is learnt [Biddulph, Dr S., Raising Boys, 2013, p. 84].

Biddulph points out that these early lessons in self-control become critical when men face challenging situations with other men and especially with women. The confronting discussions that are a necessary part of any mature relationship – especially an intimate relationship like marriage – cannot take place unless there is safety and trust. A man who hasn’t learnt to control his anger is likely to be a danger to women and sadly, will then struggle to form healthy relationships [Ibid. p. 84].

He also notes how a girl whose father has been firm yet affectionate, helps her to regulate her emotions, but also to recognise the boundary between strong but respectful confrontation and violence. If a dad’s wrestles, tickles and challenges are done with love in her childhood, he has gone a long way toward protecting her in the future [Ibid. p. 85, pp. 94-95].

Research has shown, too, that children who are highly motivated to join in rough and tumble play with their father are generally more capable of managing conflict later in life [Parquette, Dr D. et al, Prevalence of Rough-and-Tumble Play in Fathers and Children, European Journal of Psychology of Education, Vol 18, No 2, 2003, p. 174].

While a mother’s witness of tenderness helps a child develop a sense that the world is a good place – a necessity for their self-esteem – the engagement of fathers helps to set limits and encourage openness to challenges and hard work.

Dealing with family life further, the evidence relating to the different impacts on the future lives of children by a father and a mother is notable.

Empirical evidence supports our innate sense that the love of our father and mother has a powerful life-long impact. Research also points to differences in their respective contributions.

An analysis combining data from 551 studies done between 1975 and 2016, representing 149,440 individuals across five continents, highlighted some noteworthy gender differences [Khaleque, A. & Sumbleen, A., A Systematic Review of Meta-Analyses of Research on Interpersonal Acceptance-Rejection Theory: Constructs and Measure, Journal of Family Theory and Review, Vol 9, No 4, Dec 2017, pp. 441 – 458].

While the similarities between fathers and mothers outnumber the differences, the differences are statistically significant.

The research also noted a variation in the impact these differences have on boys compared with girls. Generally, the absence of a father – physically or emotionally – has a more significant negative impact than that of a mother [Ibid. p. 454].

Though important for both, when a daughter feels accepted by her father, the positive impact in adulthood is greater than for sons. Paternal rejection also plays out differently in children.

Boys tend to struggle with aggressive and anti-social behaviour while girls are more likely to suffer higher levels of anxiety and depression [Sarkadi, A. et al., Fathers’ Involvement and children’s developmental outcomes: a systemic review of longitudinal studies, Acta Pediatria, 2007, pp.153-158].

Engaged fathers have a powerful positive influence on the future relationships, social integration and educational success of children [Gottman, Drs J. & J., When Baby Makes Three, 2007, p. 190].

Where circumstances may separate a father from his children, whether due to work schedules or a relationship breakdown, to the extent that he consistently engages in positive ways with his children, they benefit. Thus, a less than ideal situation can at least be made better.

In contrast to fathers, specific forms of hostility and rejection by a mother have a significantly greater negative impact. Maternal hostility also harms sons somewhat more than daughters [Op. cit. Khaleque, p. 454].

[However,] on the positive side, […] a mother’s witness of tender dedication is the strongest antidote to self-centred individualism.

Dr Louann Brizendine [quoted above] is a neuropsychiatrist whose work draws attention to the biological differences between the female and male brains. She notes that there are small but significant neurological differences and that these differences complement one another [Brizendine, Dr L., The Female Brain, 2007, p. 25].

As a therapist and researcher, she notes that both biology and experience indicate that parenthood was never designed to be a solo project [Ibid. pp. 153-155].

The family is the foundational unit of society and the well-functioning family makes for a happy community. Therefore, support for the traditional family is vital for the psychological health of us all.

Ω See also Jordan Peterson on how to repair division in society. Go here.

Ω If you like this blog, go to my Peace and Truth newsletter on Substack, where you can subscribe for free and be notified when a new post is published.