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| The instinctual imperative to know our family connections |
Technologies relating to birth such as sperm donation and in vitro fertilization are the source of psychological distress and physical suffering, a fact which needs to be considered when weighing the value to society of the various elements of what has become the booming fertility industry.
For a start, children of sperm donors have a big lack in forming their personal identity, given reports such as this one from Australia, which opens with... "After years of desperately searching for their sperm-donor fathers..."
The two women at the centre of the report were, indeed, desperate in their search, which took years of independent research and the tortuous process of exploring all possible sources of information about their fathers. Fertility clinics were, at best, uncooperative.
Having children of their own intensified their desire to learn more about their biological heritage.
Both women turned to science — and an American direct-to-consumer DNA testing company and database — to continue the search.
So-called ancestry databases allow people to compare their own DNA against other publicly available genetic profiles to help them find blood relatives and to build a family tree.
In the cases of Kate Drysdale, 30, and Kerri Favarato, 39, it allowed them to identify their biological fathers even though neither man had registered a DNA sample on a consumer database at that time.
Soon after giving birth to her daughter, Brisbane-based Favarato spent five months of painstaking work piecing together her family tree after finding on a database a fourth cousin — a woman she shared great, great, great grandparents with.
"It was exhausting and really hard work but I needed it to be done," she said.
"I was so sick of going through the process of trying to find information and getting the door slammed in my face.
"I just went: 'This is my chance, I have to do this'."
By this stage, Favarato had already spent about two decades looking.
Her detective work paid off and she located her biological father, who greeted her warmly.
Five years on, they have what Favarato describes as an "undefinable" relationship with "reasonably regular" contact.
They visit each other's homes and she introduces him to people as "my biological father".
"He doesn't call me his daughter or anything like that," Favarato said.
"We don't have the same relationship that I have with the dad who raised me. It's not like that, but it's an undeniable connection.
"We just don't bother labelling anything. It is what it is."
Kate Drysdale has known she was donor-conceived since the age of seven:
By then, her mother and her non-biological father had divorced and he was no longer in their lives.
"My legal father and my mother disagreed as to whether or not I should be told. She'd always wanted me to know.
"She has a social work background. She understood the importance of knowing one's identity."
It was torturous getting the information she desired so strongly. However, with successes and failures in turning up information along the way, she achieved finally her goal.
"I always thought I looked like my mother until I met that man. He is the male version of me, just 21 years older."
Drysdale and her biological father are both employed in the social science field, but more important to her is his personality.
"I had a negative view of what a father was growing up," she said.
"It's just really nice to find out that he is a positive, empathetic, kind human being that thinks about the world and wants to have a positive influence on it.
"So it's nice that that's the personality that I come from."
Meeting her biological father took years of trauma and heartache.
"I experienced many months living in a state of near panic that I would not get any information or would ultimately be rejected by the person I had been searching for for so long."
The trauma has led to Drysdale making submissions to a Queensland parliamentary committee inquiry into matters relating to donor conception information.
She wants all donor-conceived people to also be able to access identifying information relating to donors and donor-conceived siblings, regardless of when they were conceived.
Drysdale would also like to see the birth certificates of donor-conceived people include a notation indicating they are donor conceived, with contact details for how to access further information.
Given that some people source donor sperm, eggs or embryos from overseas, she is also calling for a ban on the importation of reproductive tissue if the international clinics involved cannot be held to Queensland standards.
Another sperm-donor child, now in her thirties, similarly wants higher standards for the fertility industry, according to a second report related to the Queensland official inquiry:
Eleni McIlroy has known her whole life she was conceived through sperm donation. But when she talks about her experience, her eyes still well with tears.
She does not blame her parents for the challenges she has faced as a donor conceived person – instead, the ever-growing assisted reproductive technology industry has earned her ire.
McIlroy has had a loving upbringing and said her parents' honesty about her conception has spared her much of the trauma other donor conceived people have faced.
But her heartache began when she embarked on an investigation into her biological origins, discovering the fertility clinic her parents had engaged had intentionally destroyed records.
"There are no records of how many siblings might've been created for me. So, I will never know.
"Some [donor conceived people] get told they have three siblings… and feel that they can stop searching… and then four years later, another three pop up."
One amazing piece of the puzzle has been the response by her biological father's family to McIlroy's approach for information about him.
McIlroy reached out to her donor's family. They said they did not "see a version of events where my donor could have possibly consented" to donating his sperm at the time.
"So how do I deal with that?"
"How do I deal with the fact that he might not even know he was a donor?"
She has shared her story to put pressure on lawmakers to crack down on the assisted reproductive technology industry.
McIlroy has pleaded with the Australian Capital Territory government to act to ensure others do not have to suffer the same lack of belonging and closure she has experienced.
"You're always looking for something that indicates to you where the truth is but it's impossible to figure it out," she said.
"An embryo grows into a baby which grows into a human being which has rights."
Of like mind is Helena Seagrott, who began volunteering as the lead representative for Donor Conceived Australia in the ACT after she discovered two years ago that she was sperm-donor conceived.
She found out that her biological father had donated sperm once or twice a week for five years when a medical student. He was paid $10 for each donation. Seagrott says:
"There's eight of us so far, but counting, and I expect for the rest of my life… to get the random email: 'You've got another half sibling.'"
Seagrott, 38, has two children of her own with a third on the way, and has become dedicated to ensuring the assisted reproductive technology industry undergoes legislative change to become more ethical.
"Currently there is no counselling provided by the governments or clinics, and what we're finding is that people do need that support."
She has called for a national, independent support service staffed by professionals who have been trained to deal with the complexities faced by donor conceived people.
To see from these women such expressions of concern about a lack of ethical procedures in this area relating to human life is disturbing. They also highlight how there is an instinct in each person that demands full connection with forebears and siblings in order to achieve mental balance and inner peace over one's identity, and confidence when it comes to forming close relationships.
💢 See also The pain of contraception
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