Porn and the youth mental health epidemic

Eleanor Mills...porn is not a recipe for a happy love life 

Eleanor Mills is a former high-level British journalist who has founded a digital newspaper for women. In a opinion piece in The Telegraph she argues that the frequent explicit sexuality on television passes without comment only because porn has become so prevalent.

Mills, the mother of two teen daughters, declares:

The show may be called Love Island, but it is really “Sex Island”. This generation’s relationship code is so programmed by all the porn they have been clicking on since they were kids that feelings are not in their sexual script. The ideal for them is to engage in as much vigorous gym-honed rumpy-pumpy as possible while keeping their hearts intact. It may work in porn, but it’s not a recipe for a happy love life.  

This show is typical of "reality TV" and "it is a window into the sexual and relationship mores of Gen Z" (those born from 1997 to 2012). Mills writes:

Now it seems that sending nude pictures on social media has become the new flirting, with a third of teenage girls saying they have been pressured into doing so, according to a recent study.

Sixty per cent of girls under the age of 18 told researchers they had been asked to provide a nude picture of themselves by a boy; 46% said they had been pressured into doing so, even though they felt “disgusted” by sharing images.

Though Mills has been mixing with all sorts of characters and sexual behaviours common to the London  journalistic circle, she is shocked by what passes as "normal" TV:

The extent to which the next generation’s sexual expectations have been set by porn is frankly terrifying. I go into schools to talk to teens about sex because I have been writing and campaigning about the dangers of unfettered access to largely violent and misogynist porn on young minds for over a decade. The speed at which sexual norms have shifted is alarming. 

In a survey I conducted of young women, all but one said they were regularly choked during sexual contact (the exception was 1.8 metres/5ft 11 tall). The others reckon erotic asphyxiation (strangulation), common in porn, is as standard as a boy putting his hand on their bottom or breast. Or take pubic hair: Gen Z don’t have it – nor do porn stars. There isn’t much connection or foreplay in porn either – it’s mostly pounding with men lasting for hours and women coming effortlessly through intercourse. None of that leads to replicable pleasure in real bedrooms, either. 

The choking that has become routine is just one example of how sexual intercourse has become degrading but also dangerous:

“The biggest change in the past decade is the level of aggression girls today are encountering from boys,” explains Alison Havey, co-founder of the RAP Project which campaigns in schools around consent.

“It is normal now for girls to be forced, for boys to get them drunk intentionally and to assault them. This generation has been bred on internet porn which is all about violently pounding different orifices – there is no consent, no condoms, no foreplay and no sexual pleasure for women. The levels of violence are shocking and have got worse as viewers get desensitised to the material.”

When I point out in schools that it didn’t used to be like this – that in fact even a decade ago the sexual landscape was different – I find the kids are relieved. It’s like this generation are lobsters being boiled in a pot – their sexual dials have been set to extreme before they have even touched another human being. This is normal for them. And it matters because when you think porn is sex there are real casualties. And it’s not just the girls.

Mills goes on to illustrate how the lives of young men, too, are being fouled up by the porn style of relating to women. She give the example of "Jimmy" who is able to study at a top university. Living with other students he got into drugs and alcohol, and the "sport" of getting young women into bed – "It’s like a RedTube porn menu. The more degrading, the more the points."

One night Jimmy was out on the town and brought a female student home, whereupon they went to bed, both naked. After a time the woman left and Jimmy blacked out. But he came to when the woman's boyfriend arrived and beat him up. As Mills explains:

The girl said he had assaulted her when she had said no. Jimmy can’t remember what happened. He feels terrible about all of it.

His friends say the girl was all over him all night – but that she has a boyfriend and maybe that was why she departed in a hurry. Jimmy is tortured; maybe he did something terrible. But it’s tricky to work out the lines when both parties are intoxicated, get into bed naked in a consensual way... and when the sexual landscape is so weird, that much of what they do looks like assault to us anyway. Only the two of them know what happened and one of them can’t remember.

The upshot? Jimmy was cancelled by his entire cohort at university. The girl accused him of assault on social media (though not to the university authorities, or the police). And he was ostracised. He is now back home depressed. His mum is worried he might kill himself (suicide is currently the biggest killer of young men).

Mills says she knows of other cases where the young man has been the victim of a female's antics on social media after a sexual encounter.

I am not making any judgments here; I’ve always been on the girls’ side instinctively as a feminist and a mother of two teen girls. But this whole area of consent and pressure is muddled; we all know what it is like to feel bad in the morning after a bender. But I can also see boys are under pressure too; there are many tales of “bigorexia” and boys being shamed about not being buff enough, for not being hung like porn stars – it is a culture which doesn’t help anyone.

The message that Mills gives to this point is powerful enough to make parents take a countercultural stance on behalf of their family. They have to set an example on limiting their own use of social media or in accessing the internet in general. The stories are old hat now about tech industry leaders, including Steve Jobs, had strict rules for their children about use of smart devices. But Mills has further advice:

The point of sharing these stories is to make a plea to parents to talk to their youngsters. Now that there are no rules, it is all about individual choice. We need to help kids pick their way through these thorny thickets, understand how quickly all of this has changed and encourage them to think about the consequences. It sounds daunting but it is surprising how relieved they are to discuss it; many are confused and upset.

I suggest using Love Island as a jumping off point. I recommend radical honesty – talk about what it was like for you and your partner. Remind them that you were not a nun; when we were young we had no idea what sex was meant to look like, it was all about how it felt.

Get them to read this article and ask them what they think. The key is to ask open questions, without judgment and to show you are genuinely interested in their take. The car is a good place to chat – you don’t have to look at each other!

Also the upside of all that porn is that Gen Z aren’t shy about talking about sex. Ask them what they think it is like for girls, for boys – the key is empathy, getting them to understand that sex is something you do with someone you like, not to a stranger. Talk about what alcohol and drugs do to inhibitions and warn them of the long term legal and social consequences of a wrong move. Particularly on social media. 

Talk to them about “exclusivity”: for our kids there is no assumption of exclusivity unless that is explicitly said; so you can be dating someone for six months and they can be sleeping with everyone else in sight – and that is fine if it is an “unexclusive agreement” – known as a “situationship”. Although of course it’s not fine because if you are sleeping with someone regularly you inevitably catch feelings and end up hurt. No wonder our kids are confused. No wonder we have a youth mental health epidemic.

For Christians who have decided to commit as a family to live in a countercultural way, a lot of the confusion disappears because decisions are made simple by the positivity of a "No!", where a vision of a loving and permanent relationship is key to matters sexual. Every "Never!" to casual sex is a declaration of intent to pursue only what is noble and lovely in a person of the opposite sex. With such a family, and a circle of like-minded friends, the attraction of porn is hugely diminished, and the strength of resolve to shun what is dangerous – personally and for our society as a whole – is supported as we strive to achieve all that is best in ourselves in God's eyes. 

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