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To say to a person with a same-sex attraction “God made you this way” is a statement that distorts the person’s reality and so it's destructive. This was the starting point of a video dialogue featuring Catholic priest Mike Schmitz on the Matt Fradd Show on YouTube. My post picks out the main points discussed and uses some of the language employed in the conversation.
Those with a same-sex attraction can be assured God loves every person unconditionally. But to say “God made you this way” basically it undercuts one of the foundational doctrines of Christianity, namely original sin, which is the recognition that while we're made good we also have the wound left in our will and intellect as a result of our original parents rebelling against God.
The result is that “not everything that I want is the right thing; just because I experience a desire or attraction to something doesn't mean that God wants that for me”. A person cannot say, "I have a desire that is deep-seated or ingrained in me – I've never known not to have this feeling. Therefore, God in His perfect will made me this particular way."
That would mean that sin means nothing. As Matt Fradd points out, to say that because I’m tempted to look at porn, or I have always had an Irish temper, that is who I am and, therefore, I don’t need to move from those characteristics, or challenge any such quality within myself.
There is something positive about taking on board the admonition that goes back at least to Socrates (died 15 February 399 BC): Know yourself. But that knowledge should not lead to acceptance of all weaknesses or failings.
Acceptance of the reality of my situation is okay to the extent of prompting the thought, “What will I do with my characteristics, positive as well as negative? In what way is God calling me to change, or to build on my positive qualities?”
Rather than saying “This is my identity” we need to turn to the wisdom of the people around us and the wisdom of the Ancients to say, “Okay, what is a wise way forward” versus “I accept this, and accepting it means that I act on it.” The latter is so destructive. It lets us say, “God made me this way so I have a justification for anything I do or don’t do”. We don't grow as a person.
Twisting shame into celebration
The better way is to now bring it to the Lord. Often, what's inside us is a cause of shame. So we should not twist that experience of shame into a celebration of ourselves under the rubric of personal identity. Instead, it’s here that we invite the Lord into it, to do something with it, especially to hold me in the midst of it so that I recognize that I'm not identified with my shame.
Think about the move from shame to pride. What I see as my shame I may elevate as my greatest pride, as opposed to: “This doesn't define me. This may be a part of my experience, it's part of my reality, but it doesn't give me my identity.” In this we make the distinction between experience and identity.
When would you say to a friend, “You have had such and such an experience. Therefore, that is how you will be identified from now on”? People who have suffered through an accident refuse to be labelled "disabled" as if that is the main feature of their identity.
One of the more profound examples is of someone who’s been abused. That affects one's whole life. But, even if a friend has never known any relationship that wasn't riddled with vice, they’ve never known anything that wasn't affected by this, you would never encourage them to use that experience to declare that their identity is only that of victim.
Fradd played the devil's advocate:
But isn’t the Christian belief that homosexual acts – note, not homosexual orientation but the performance of sexual acts on a member of the same sex – are sinful, isn't that belief based on a false Puritanical doctrine?
Can you understand, Fr Mike, that acting this way is actually a beautiful thing? I'm acting out of a good part of me, the truest part of me. It's not a response to a trauma I've received. Rather it's when I began engaging in who I truly am when I came out and told people that this is how I've always been and entered into a loving gay relationship that I found a freedom that I've never had before and that's what you're telling me is wrong.
To equate that with these negative experiences you’ve cited such as anger and abuse is the problem. You have not yet said anything about my positive experience that makes sense.
Schmitz:
I would say two things to that. One is there's a difference between relief and freedom. So, yeah, if I spent a large part of my life living under the shame of, like, “I don't want someone to find this out. I have to wrestle with it privately”; or “Yeah, I'm feeling the weight of this matter" and then I go to this place where I've come out, and I'm met with welcome, met with a community. I meet someone who cares about me and knows this about me.”
So many people's stories are that they just can't let those close to them find this out about them. “If the people who claim to love me found this out they wouldn't love me anymore.” Understandably, when someone comes out and they find welcome, and they find people do love them, that's a relief.
But relief is not the same thing as authentic freedom, and relief is not the same thing as true peace. It can feel like peace, and it can feel like freedom to a certain degree, but is it just that you're no longer living in shame – which is not something that the Lord or the Church was asking you to do in the first place?
Think about the move from shame to pride. What I see as my shame I may elevate as my greatest pride, as opposed to: “This doesn't define me. This may be a part of my experience, it's part of my reality, but it doesn't give me my identity.” In this we make the distinction between experience and identity.
When would you say to a friend, “You have had such and such an experience. Therefore, that is how you will be identified from now on”? People who have suffered through an accident refuse to be labelled "disabled" as if that is the main feature of their identity.
One of the more profound examples is of someone who’s been abused. That affects one's whole life. But, even if a friend has never known any relationship that wasn't riddled with vice, they’ve never known anything that wasn't affected by this, you would never encourage them to use that experience to declare that their identity is only that of victim.
Fradd played the devil's advocate:
But isn’t the Christian belief that homosexual acts – note, not homosexual orientation but the performance of sexual acts on a member of the same sex – are sinful, isn't that belief based on a false Puritanical doctrine?
Can you understand, Fr Mike, that acting this way is actually a beautiful thing? I'm acting out of a good part of me, the truest part of me. It's not a response to a trauma I've received. Rather it's when I began engaging in who I truly am when I came out and told people that this is how I've always been and entered into a loving gay relationship that I found a freedom that I've never had before and that's what you're telling me is wrong.
To equate that with these negative experiences you’ve cited such as anger and abuse is the problem. You have not yet said anything about my positive experience that makes sense.
Schmitz:
I would say two things to that. One is there's a difference between relief and freedom. So, yeah, if I spent a large part of my life living under the shame of, like, “I don't want someone to find this out. I have to wrestle with it privately”; or “Yeah, I'm feeling the weight of this matter" and then I go to this place where I've come out, and I'm met with welcome, met with a community. I meet someone who cares about me and knows this about me.”
So many people's stories are that they just can't let those close to them find this out about them. “If the people who claim to love me found this out they wouldn't love me anymore.” Understandably, when someone comes out and they find welcome, and they find people do love them, that's a relief.
But relief is not the same thing as authentic freedom, and relief is not the same thing as true peace. It can feel like peace, and it can feel like freedom to a certain degree, but is it just that you're no longer living in shame – which is not something that the Lord or the Church was asking you to do in the first place?
Rising above personal inclinations
However, Schmitz says that if a person tells him they do feel a deeper freedom by expressing their same-sex orientation he would not argue with them but would wait for that person’s experience to mature.
In exploring what true freedom looks like, Schmitz gives an example: I’m a Catholic priest but say I don't think God exists and after struggling with the issue I'm gonna come out and declare my unbelief. There would be a community online that would really be thrilled if I would do this and would welcome me and would praise me and I would want to kind of come alongside them … to offset the disapproving voices.
So, yeah, there's that sense of relief I would get but it wouldn't mean freedom as I’m newly bound by the views and culture of those I’ve aligned myself to. Also, it would mean that in this battle I've been engaged in there's a welcome release. It’s as if I say to myself, “I’ve made my decision. I'm no longer fighting this thing. I can rest and lay down my arms.”
Secondly and strangely, there’s more freedom when we don’t surrender when we know we are involved in one area of the spiritual battle that envelops every person no matter their situation in life. What the Church is asking of the person contending with same-sex attraction is the same it asks of the unmarried or married person, which is to control one’s inclinations, to resist the temptation of offending against God’s will as to rightful sexual relations. The Old Testament book of Leviticus provides a good example. In Chapter 18, a total of 16 verses condemn various forms of unlawful sexual relations between a man and a woman, and only one relates to homosexuality.
As to the true nature of freedom, take this example: “I been really having a tough time in my marriage over my family duties and kids at home, and this other woman has been very, very attractive to me. I've never felt this way with my wife. I don’t feel free tied to my wife and the demands of my kids. With the family I have to be someone I don’t want to be, but with my new friend I don’t have to be someone else. With her I get to be really who I really am.”
Let's keep in mind the scenarios used above as we turn to the excellent practice of an examined life.
Homosexual orientation: Okay, there's a certain feeling of freedom, a feeling of release or relief because I've given into something that I was battling with, and I’m enjoying the new experience. But the question is does God want me to be unhappy? Looking at Christ’s own life and his teaching I think that sometimes he would rather I be unhappy and faithful now than happy now and wrong. I cannot ignore what the Church has taught from the beginning, no matter what opinion polls tell me about public attitudes. I acknowledge God’s word in Leviticus 18 and Romans 1, to take two examples.
The other woman: If I continue on my desired path, my achievements in giving into the attraction of my female friend are to be damned and to have destroyed my family. Therefore, my natural appetite for immediate gratification must be controlled. I see I will be more free if I rise above my immediate impulses. My full response to the needs of my family will bring me out of myself. I will grow as a person. I will exercise many of the higher qualities that have lain dormant in me because of my self-focused lifestyle. I will acknowledge that “love” is a verb as well as a noun. I know I have to die to myself if I want to be close to Jesus, who says: “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly”.
Some concluding reflections:
The Church affirms the many same-sex relationships that express generosity and patience and so many other uplifting qualities. Some of these relationships can be categorized as deep friendship rather than the outcome of sexual attraction. Cultural prominence afforded dedication of friend to friend is a feature of past ages that has been lost in the present-day culture.
But the difficulty in the eyes of God, as expressed through the Church, is that a genital sexual relationship between those of homosexual orientation, as with any sexual relations outside marriage, is where the love stops and the “me” creeps in.
Those who experience a same-sex attraction should know that Christians can hold these two truths in their hearts at the same time:
1. For the person involved, a same-sex attraction is a very profound part of them and it is to be received and respected.
2. Genital sexual relations outside of the marriage of a woman and a man are seriously wrong because such behaviour is not in accord with the complementary nature of the bodies God gives us. When it comes down to it, God is God and I’m not!
In exploring what true freedom looks like, Schmitz gives an example: I’m a Catholic priest but say I don't think God exists and after struggling with the issue I'm gonna come out and declare my unbelief. There would be a community online that would really be thrilled if I would do this and would welcome me and would praise me and I would want to kind of come alongside them … to offset the disapproving voices.
So, yeah, there's that sense of relief I would get but it wouldn't mean freedom as I’m newly bound by the views and culture of those I’ve aligned myself to. Also, it would mean that in this battle I've been engaged in there's a welcome release. It’s as if I say to myself, “I’ve made my decision. I'm no longer fighting this thing. I can rest and lay down my arms.”
Secondly and strangely, there’s more freedom when we don’t surrender when we know we are involved in one area of the spiritual battle that envelops every person no matter their situation in life. What the Church is asking of the person contending with same-sex attraction is the same it asks of the unmarried or married person, which is to control one’s inclinations, to resist the temptation of offending against God’s will as to rightful sexual relations. The Old Testament book of Leviticus provides a good example. In Chapter 18, a total of 16 verses condemn various forms of unlawful sexual relations between a man and a woman, and only one relates to homosexuality.
As to the true nature of freedom, take this example: “I been really having a tough time in my marriage over my family duties and kids at home, and this other woman has been very, very attractive to me. I've never felt this way with my wife. I don’t feel free tied to my wife and the demands of my kids. With the family I have to be someone I don’t want to be, but with my new friend I don’t have to be someone else. With her I get to be really who I really am.”
Let's keep in mind the scenarios used above as we turn to the excellent practice of an examined life.
Homosexual orientation: Okay, there's a certain feeling of freedom, a feeling of release or relief because I've given into something that I was battling with, and I’m enjoying the new experience. But the question is does God want me to be unhappy? Looking at Christ’s own life and his teaching I think that sometimes he would rather I be unhappy and faithful now than happy now and wrong. I cannot ignore what the Church has taught from the beginning, no matter what opinion polls tell me about public attitudes. I acknowledge God’s word in Leviticus 18 and Romans 1, to take two examples.
The other woman: If I continue on my desired path, my achievements in giving into the attraction of my female friend are to be damned and to have destroyed my family. Therefore, my natural appetite for immediate gratification must be controlled. I see I will be more free if I rise above my immediate impulses. My full response to the needs of my family will bring me out of myself. I will grow as a person. I will exercise many of the higher qualities that have lain dormant in me because of my self-focused lifestyle. I will acknowledge that “love” is a verb as well as a noun. I know I have to die to myself if I want to be close to Jesus, who says: “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly”.
Some concluding reflections:
The Church affirms the many same-sex relationships that express generosity and patience and so many other uplifting qualities. Some of these relationships can be categorized as deep friendship rather than the outcome of sexual attraction. Cultural prominence afforded dedication of friend to friend is a feature of past ages that has been lost in the present-day culture.
But the difficulty in the eyes of God, as expressed through the Church, is that a genital sexual relationship between those of homosexual orientation, as with any sexual relations outside marriage, is where the love stops and the “me” creeps in.
Those who experience a same-sex attraction should know that Christians can hold these two truths in their hearts at the same time:
1. For the person involved, a same-sex attraction is a very profound part of them and it is to be received and respected.
2. Genital sexual relations outside of the marriage of a woman and a man are seriously wrong because such behaviour is not in accord with the complementary nature of the bodies God gives us. When it comes down to it, God is God and I’m not!
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