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| Through the whole of their life together as one. Photo: Truth Enoch |
“This is kind of controversial, but I do feel like men are almost afraid to be in their power.
“You know, as women are kind of uprising and all this bad behaviour that’s been going on for so long has now been called out and it’s like it’s not cool now for men to be masculine and rough and rugged and it’s like we actually need men like that.
“In this generation, it’s lacking.”
The interviewer on the broadcast, Lillie Rohan, saw the value of what Penn had said, adding from her own experience:
"When I have someone to lean on I can let go and become less of a control freak. [My boyfriend] organised a holiday and it was so nice. Usually that would be me, like, 'I'll organise this'. But he's like, 'I've got this. I'll sort it.' and I was like 'Sweet!' It was nice feeling safe enough to let go of all that pressure."
Penn explained:
"I don't like talking about the feminine and masculine archetype but I think it's really important for the modern-day career woman to feel she can be in her 'feminine', not control
everything, let the masculine come in and take care of things. There's like a deep 'exhale' when that happens."
Rohan offered this:
"It's so nice and it's changed my perspective on relationships as well. I used to be, 'Ahh, don't let the man do that. You're a strong, powerful woman, you can do whatever you want.' And now it's so nice to be taken care of."
Back to Penn:
"Men love to provide... and it's nice for us [women] to enjoy it, to celebrate it, and then we get more of it."
Rohan then speaks of the vagaries of dating:
"It takes a man who is confident in his own masculinity to be able to do that... because today there are a lot of [promiscuous men], those who just don't want to step into that role."
Penn:
"Yeah ‒ into their manhood. We are living in this [time when] men are afraid to be in their power. We really need men like that in this generation , and it's lacking."
Rohan agreed: "Absolutely!" She went on to ask Penn whether she had male clients who were struggling with their masculinity.
Penn:
"I do actually. They struggle with how they fit in a world where a lot of their partners are independent women. Men feel a kind of emasculation ‒ 'She's bringing home the bacon, she's doing [everything]. Where do I fit in in this?'
"We have to think about the primal state of humans, and for men it's providing and caring and protection of the family unit."
Penn extends the state of mind to a couple's sex life:
"When it comes to sex we need polarity. We can't have two people in their 'feminine' ... fluid, floaty. We need one person who is going to take the lead, take charge and create the fire. So we need both parties to come and it doesn't have to be gendered... But it has to be a different kind of energy that comes in. Otherwise we lose attraction as well."
What Penn and Rohan have been discussing is recognising and expressing the characteristics that are distinctively of a feminine and a masculine nature. These are not a matter of functionality ‒ Who's better with a screwdriver? Who's good at teaching algebra? ‒ but are founded upon an innate difference that co-exists with equality. Difference and equality are not mutually exclusive.
How that mindset operates in the real world was touched upon in the interview quoted above with Penn and Rohan speaking about the woman creating an environment that does not entail putting herself to the forefront of every activity involving a couple or family. This is the current danger in society, as they said.
Stories of the dynamics of unity in diversity
A graphic illustration of how functionality is not the essence of what is termed "complementarity" comes from pastor John Piper who draws upon a heritage that dates back to the sexual revolution within Roman society brought about by the Christian teaching of the dignity of women, breaking from the culture and law where women, like children, were awarded the status only of chattels of husband or father.
Say there’s a couple at my church, say they just met each other in worship. He’s twenty-two and she’s twenty-one and say they like each other. You can tell. They watch each other from afar and they’re standing beside each other in worship this time and he’s thinking, I could ask her to lunch! And she might go! I don’t know if she’ll go! And he’s watching her worship, loving it, she’s so engaged. And she’s feeling the same way about him. So afterward he says, You got any lunch plans? No? Would you like to go down to Maria’s and we could walk from here? She says yes, so they’re walking. And a robber jumps out with a knife and threatens them and says, I want your wallet and I want her purse.
And as the man, you would say, Well, I guess that would be the wise thing to do, hand over the wallet and the purse. And then the robber says, And I want her. Now, little does [the robber] know that she’s got a black belt in karate. And this woman can take him down quick. [But her partner] is not a fighter. And here’s my argument: everything that God has built into him as a man says, You can use your karate if you want to, but I’m stepping in between. That’s what I do. That’s what men do.
And if people listen to this podcast and say, That’s purely cultural. That’s just Piper. That’s American macho. Blah. Blah. Blah. I think they’re out of touch with reality. I think written on the heart of every man is my manhood, my God-given manhood and not my macho, sinful manhood, but my God-given manhood, is compromised if I don’t seek to take this robber out for the sake of this woman’s life. So, what happens is he steps in, the robber cuts him, and knocks him down. She takes [the robber] out. [...]
I’m making every bit of this up to make it work because it’s just so real. And so she gets in the ambulance with [her partner] riding down to Hennepin County and he’s conscious, and everything in her says, This is the kind of man I want to marry. He’s useless when it comes to taking out robbers with knives, but that’s the man. That’s the kind of man I want to marry.
Another account of the dynamics involved, this time true. Piper relates:
This a real story, okay? I was doing marital counseling for this couple. He had an eighth-grade education, she had part of college education, she’s quite articulate, he is just an average guy, a painter. They were both Christian, and their marriage was on the rocks again and again. I was rescuing them. And I asked them one time if they are having family devotions. No. And I turned to Jim—let’s call him Jim—and I said, Jim, that’s your responsibility. You should be taking the initiative to make that happen. She shouldn’t have to make it happen. You should make it happen. And he said, I can’t read very well. And she reads really well and it’s just embarrassing. I said, Okay, Jim. This is not something based on the ability to read. This is not what we’re talking about here, Jim. You’ve got three kids, right? Okay, let me ask this: can you say after supper tonight, “Hey kids, come into the living room.” Can you say that?
Yeah.
Okay, can you say, “Jane,”—let’s call her Jane—“Let’s meet with the kids in the living room and have some devotions tonight.” Can you say that?
Yes.
Okay, when they’re all gathered together and sitting there stunned, can you say, “We’re going to have devotions and since mom is a good reader, mom’s going to read a chapter for us. And maybe we should read from the Gospel of John together. And then I’ll pray for us as a family. Jane, would you read from John?” Can you do that?
Yeah.
Okay, that’s leadership. Do it. Do it. It’s making sure her gifts—which are better than yours on almost every score—are used with your initiative. She wants it."
I mean, I’m not making this up. She had come to me and said, We don’t ever read the Bible together!
After the fruit-eating incident, God came to the Garden of Eden and questioned the man about what had happened. Piper, in another place, gives an explanation:
Now, why didn’t God seek out the woman first since she ate the forbidden fruit first? Because God made man first and built into him a God-given sense of sacrificial responsibility for leadership and protection and provision. He is responsible for what just happened. That’s the price of leadership. (Source)
For the sake of family and marriage
Here's another fictional example of how complementarity works:
A husband and father wants to start his own business. His wife knows that he has had that dream a long time but she knows too he is a poor administrator, given his lack of organisational skills around the home. She knows she could make a fuss such that he would not proceed, but she thinks that for family peace she should cooperate with him in his effort to make his dream a reality. As she expected, the business goes bust, with a lot of mental and financial suffering in the process. However, strengthened by grace, she maintains a calm family life, exercising virtues that make for nobility of character and spiritual power, and her husband learns where his weaknesses lie.
Conversely, the film Juno portrays a husband who abandons his wife when she follows her dream of being a mother by adopting a baby. He puts ahead of his wife's wish his own desire to advance his music career. On his part, there was no sacrificial offering of support of his wife and his marriage.
If we see God at the heart of everything that happens in our life, that there is a personal completeness that God is drawing each individual toward, then the responsibility that men are designed to bear is part and parcel of a beautiful pattern of life, where women and men are empowered to live life to the full, with their diversity governed by a communion of being. That is, the two persons sacrificially submit their wills to achieve a unity of life that fulfils each of them by different means.
Ω See also:
Rejecting femininity is not celebrating women
Manhood and Womanhood
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